Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Hang over Rankings

This piece is for the batch '63 boys...noon !! Just to sive a name for the feelings you had then when you were so happy drinking beer and wine.Identify which you have often experienced.I am sharing this blog to you all.

1 Star Hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last
night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole
lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able
to function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and
still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving
a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 Star Hangover

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely
amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and
mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and
remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which
is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked
havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor
about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net
and writing junk e-mails.

3 Star Hangover
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a
pace cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you
gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots
you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you
out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in
your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke. You've had 4 cups of coffee,
a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke
- yet you haven't peed once.

4 Star Hangover
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else
you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot
shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding
the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like
one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa
1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following:
1. Home time,
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or
3. A time machine so you could go back and
NOT have gone out the night before.

5 Star Hangover
(aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell)
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.


orionjri said...

Luz, the guys may still be too intoxicated to be able to comment. There have been studies that found alcohol badly kills brain cells, in addition to butchering the liver. But those who love to drink pay no heed to the findings.

Teetotallers find it hard to understand the lure of drunkenness and they may be dismayed by its unpleasant and unsightly effects on others but I guess it is to each his own.

Here's to you, guys. Bottoms up! Cheers!

ErnestoDR said...

I used to take alcoholic drinks only in sips and on social occassions, not into profusely drinking beer, wine, whiskey, brandy, or gin, but let me share with you my experience of really getting dead drunk.
After my graduation from the PMA and joining the Phil. Air Force, I was with 25 others being initiated to the league of aviators. Before our flying training, there was this reception ceremony tendered for us by the instructor pilots and attended by various ranking officers and pilots in the Air Force. After the customary welcoming rites and the usual handshakes, etc., we were told to go to a room for special aviation endoctrination before we start the dinner. We were told not to eat for there will be lots of food and drinks. We did not know that there will be a part of the ceremony where we, "dodos" shall learn to drink aviation gasoline!
So there we were lined up ready to pass the "rite of passage". Someone took out a gallon of aviation gasoline, and for demonstration, he dipped a small cloth on the greenish liquid, and as he lighted a matchstick, the flame just went whoosh, indicating a highly flammable liquid --- and I am gong to drink it?!@#$%^&*.
Anyway, a courageous aviator came forward with a big drinking glass, had it filled from the container, and gulped the liquid down in a jiffy, with a bottle of San Mig as a chaser! It seemed so easy, so I psyched myself into doing the same thing, gulp the whole glass of avgas without tasting the liquid. So one by one, after introducing ourselves, and revealing our girlfriends' names, we took turns drinking our 12-ounce gasoline to the last drop without any single drip, or we face the consequence of drinking another glass.
We got back to our places exchanging pleasantries and in a matter of minutes, I experienced weird feelings of euphoria. I sensed my world spinning around, and my words were all slur, but I felt so happy. I couldn't remember what we ate for dinner and how much more liquid I drank that night. What I know is that I was in a state of ecstasy.
From the reception hall to the bachelor officers" quarters, I walked home with someone I couldn't remember, and I felt like sleeping on the road. I know I disgorged all I have ingested that night through my mouth, nose and every orifices there is, and wished I had not eaten at all. It was totally embarassing if someone saw me like that. I woke up at noon the following day still groggy and so dehydrated. I went to the bathroom and cleaned the mess I made of myself!
I learned later that the liquid set aflame as a demo was real avgas and we were made to believe that is what we were to drink. In reality, we drank pure lambanog with coloring to look like it was avgas. I was told it kicks really bad on an empty stomach!
My colleagues and I still relish the happy memory, and this contrivance of traditional aviators!
Thanks for the posting! It sparked certain happy memory of my feebleness.

lucille said...

Hi Ernie,that was a nice sharing of how it feels to have hangovers.Twenty years ago,I experienced being drunk, really DRUNK .It happened when my two US navy brothers were home for a visit.We had a grand time exchanging stories and with a big brood, there were drinks and nice food served.My brother mixed so many drinks,I don't remember what,and have me tasted I liked the taste and I took more than my stomach could hold.Masarap talaga at pinagkaisahan ako ng mga kapatid ko....talagang nilasing ako,and I started talking...Oh I don't remember how many secrets I revealed...Before I sleep I messed up the bathroom And when I woke up I felt my head really painful,so since then,I never let myself get drunk again!!